Through my own personal experience, I have understood that acceptance is what makes any kind of friendship, platonic or romantic, thrive, last, and endure. It’s the glue that holds people together through the ups and downs that beleaguer any relationship.
In working with couples, it is easy to see when acceptance is missing. So, what is acceptance? Let’s use an example. I want something to be red and it’s green. I focus all my energy on how much I don’t like it, how I wish it were green and how angry I am that I am stuck with the red. In doing this, all my attention is narrowed down to what it isn’t. It is as if I have blinders on and can’t see anything but the “redness”. It is very limiting.
Once I say, “Okay, it’s red and that’s what is” I begin to liberate myself. Saying yes to “what is” is acceptance! That’s when the blinders come off, the focus opens up and I get clarity. Now, I can come up with all sorts of ideas to modify, embellish, enhance, or diminish the “redness”. Acceptance expands rather than limits; it frees rather than binds.
The Buddhists say that, “pain is not accepting what is”. Acceptance doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean I agree with it. It doesn’t mean I’m stuck with it. It means I totally see and accept the “what is” of the person or situation. All of us have many moments of non-acceptance. That is part of our human experience and journey. The task is to bring it to consciousness so we may challenge ourselves to grow into full acceptance. But for many, non-acceptance is a way of life. When we point the finger at our partner, when we wish s/he were different, when we can’t stand what they say, how they look, what they do, we are not accepting.
When there is no acceptance it is easy to make it about the other. If my partner has traits or behaviors that are offensive to me, I can react, get angry, threaten, and in other ways try to change him or her. I can remain the victim, the martyr, and at the mercy of the other, all of which leave me powerless. Making it about my partner means I have not accepted that this is “what is” in this moment. Non-accepting puts me in the position of trying to effect change in another and we are powerless to do that. Acceptance has me taking charge and in my power.
What makes acceptance difficult is that it brings responsibility and it frees us (and the other) to make choices. If I accept the “what is” of something that is totally intolerable to me, then I am free to determine how I will deal with it.
Once I accept the “what is”, it means I am free to make whatever choices I need to make for myself. That’s scary! We want that freedom but we are also afraid of it. Now, I am free to choose. I may choose to stay and deal with the “what is” consciously, in other words, knowing that I have the power and responsibility to honor what is right for me. Or, I may choose to leave. Either way, I am taking responsibility for myself versus making it about the other.
Acceptance teaches us a few things. The first is that it empowers us. When we don’t accept, we remain at the whim of the other. If I don’t accept the red, I am left dissatisfied if not downright angry at the “redness” that I cannot change. If I accept it, I am free to decide how I want to deal with it. It puts me back in my power because I now have choice. Acceptance frees us and empowers us.
The second gift of acceptance has to do with our partner. It is, ultimately, one of the purest forms of love. To be able to see others and who they are and totally accept their “isness” is the greatest gift you can give them. That’s when miracles happen. All any one of us wants is to love and be loved. And we want to be loved for who we are, the good and the not so good. We want to be loved without conditions. When we feel that acceptance from another, we open up to our own love. It makes us want to be the best we can be.
Acceptance is what we get from babies and pets. They love us totally, no matter what. When our partners get that feeling from us, they feel loved and safe and it compels them to want to be deserving of that love. To be accepting requires the courage to face the fear that you have to take responsibility for yourself and that may even involve moving on. More often than not, however, it actually enhances and enriches the relationship. Accepting the other means self-responsibility, empowerment and freedom are in the relationship and with those in place, there is no reason to leave!