In varying degrees throughout our lives we shut down our feelings and give away parts of ourselves by compromising who we really are and what we really want. We get shamed, abused, or neglected. We feel powerless, alone, afraid or sad. In order to find our true self again, we need to heal.
To heal means to “make whole”, in other words, to bring those hurt parts back into our self. We need to find, acknowledge and allow all of those feelings and hold ourselves in a compassionate embrace. To finally allow ourselves to really open to all of those feelings is the way we become whole again.
Starting in the womb and into our very young childhood we don’t have logic. Whatever we experience around us we experience on a feeling level. Our bodies feel the energy of the anger, chaos, rage, grief, fear or whatever else surrounds us. Those feelings get stored in our cellular memory beginning in the womb.
As little children, when things don’t feel good, when they scare or maybe terrify us, when we can’t make sense of what feels so bad in our bodies, we create stories to explain it to ourselves. “Maybe Mommy’s angry because I was a bad girl. Maybe Daddy left because I was crying.” This is what children do to survive the pain and have it make some sense.
As we get a little older, we have logic but that doesn’t mean we understand the ways of adults. We observe and evaluate the world around us according to the perceptions of a child. This time we create beliefs about life based on our limited awareness. For example, “People leave you” or “You can’t believe anybody” or “It’s not safe to love.” These beliefs are created from our own experiences or from what we take in from our environment. They are a way to protect ourselves and become subconscious statements that run our lives.
What this all means is that parts of us are stuck at different ages with different beliefs in place. And these different parts will have reactions without knowing where they are really coming from. We think it is the person or situation that is triggering us but in reality the issue is not about “who/what is triggering me”. Rather, the issue is, “what in me is being triggered?” Which memory, trauma, or feeling stored in my cells is reacting? Which belief, protection or survival technique is at play here?
These children in us and all their protections and beliefs are what run our lives until we wake up and realize it. It is manifested in all aspects of our lives and especially in intimate relationships.
Bringing all of this to consciousness is what creates healing. Once we see that scared, lonely maybe even terrified child, we can begin to love and have compassion for that part of us. We had to leave that child behind because it was too painful to be that sensitive, vulnerable and powerless. Healing means bringing that part back into our awareness. It requires that we acknowledge the child inside of us, and have compassion and love for him/her in order for that child part to grow up.
If we go through life unconscious and on autopilot, we will always be at the mercy of the wounded little child inside us who hasn’t been seen or heard yet and/or our teenager who created protective behaviors in order to not feel the pain of the little child. We may be in adult bodies but it is our children who are running our lives. We will rationalize, manipulate, control, defend, offend, explain, deny and make it all about the situation or the other person. We will do whatever we need to do to survive feeling powerlessness, grief, shame and terror.
As adults, we continue compromising ourselves any time we don’t take charge of what we are thinking, feeling and doing. This happens when we don’t take charge of our lives, when we lose ourselves in another person or an addiction and when we buy into fear and negativity. In other words, when we don’t listen to our own deep still voice.
Every time we deny our inner knowing, we are denying a part of ourselves. To heal is to awaken an awareness of these parts, to bring them to consciousness and to incorporate them healthily. This self-awareness creates authenticity, openness, and passion. It creates a positive energy that vibrates throughout our life and into the lives of those around us.