Something that has been coming up lately for me personally and with clients is the topic of “habits”. It is clear to us all what habits are but for the purposes of this article, let’s define the word as “unconscious repeated actions that may or may not serve us well”. Those habits may be in the realm of the physical, mental, emotional or even spiritual. They may apply to how we treat our bodies, our minds, our hearts and our souls and they may affect our relationships with ourselves, with others and even with a higher power. Habits have a strong hold on all aspects of our lives.
For the most part, a habit is habitual, automatic, and therefore we are unaware of it; we are not conscious of it as a habit. We might know we are doing the same thing over and over, we might not be happy with our behavior but we haven’t stopped to look at it long enough to consider it a habit and to acknowledge that we have the power to do something about it.
Some examples of habits that don’t serve us in our relationships are: we may automatically be defensive when something is pointed out to us; we may attack first if we feel criticism coming our way; we may easily judge, blame or criticize another;
we may say shaming things to our partner or our children; we may give the silent treatment; we may overpower or control the other. Each of us can name our own habits and bring them to consciousness.
The advantage of looking at our habits is that we can then take charge. We can begin to take responsibility for them. We have the opportunity to acknowledge a habit and make a conscious choice and decision to continue it or to eliminate it. Even if we decide to continue with the habit, the act of making that choice is already a conscious act. Consciously choosing to keep a behavior that doesn’t serve us brings a whole new level of awareness to it when it shows up.
Relationships are for our spiritual growth. Even the best of them can be an uphill battle until we take complete responsibility for ourselves. We are only half of the equation and can only take charge of that half but it is a great start! For those truly interested in personal and spiritual growth and in improving relationships, taking responsibility for ourselves is the way to go. Habits keep us stuck in loops of repeated actions and reactions. When we own them and work with them we get unstuck. It is not easy. It is not fun. We have to be authentic and vulnerable. We have to be willing to be alert and aware. We have to focus on our goal and hold onto our intention. Our egos and personalities won’t like it but our souls will thrive and our spirits will soar.
There is always an opportunity to start fresh. I would suggest you choose one habit that you want to move out of. Follow the process outlined below with just one habit so that you are not overwhelmed. Doing it step by step in a very conscious way allows you to learn how to do it and once you’ve accomplished that you can easily transform as many habits as you want.
Step 1. Acknowledge the habit you want to eliminate. Make a conscious decision to do so and set the intention to observe it daily.
Step 2. Assess your willingness to commit to this. Your degree of success is proportionate to your degree of willingness.
Step 3. Every morning put a little “self” on your shoulder and observe yourself all day. Just notice when you do it and say simply, “Ah, there it is again.”
Step 4. DO NOT judge the habit or yourself. No saying, “I’m such an idiot. I did it again.” None of that. When we judge ourselves or the habit, we are engaging with it. It’s important to remember that when we engage with it…we are actually keeping it around.
Step 5. When you notice the habit, if it is natural to you to stop it, do so, but do NOT force yourself to do so. It is much more important to let it be. Think of it as a block of ice that we are putting out in the sun. With the light of the sun, slowly but surely, the ice block melts without us having to do anything with it.
Step 6. When you observe the habit, you can say, “I surrender this to the Divine” or something along those lines that feels right to you. In undoing habits we need all the help we can get!
Step 7. Stay conscious and you will soon see that the habit is lasting a shorter time, is starting to not show up as much, doesn’t cause as much trouble as before and eventually, after we have seen it for the 987th time…it will no longer appear!
In summary, in order to eliminate a habit, “be willing to observe the habit without judgment”. The key word is “willing”. This work requires a strong commitment to yourself and the willingness to stay conscious every minute of every day!