It has been documented that babies who are left alone and untouched in their cribs have a greater chance of dying than babies who are shown love. It has also been noted that elderly people in the hospital who have no one to go home to don’t heal as quickly as others. This made me wonder about those of us who are neither babies nor elderly but who live feeling alone and untouched even in a relationship.
Unfortunately, there are quite a few couples who have lost touch with each other. They live together but share very little intimacy. They talk but avoid any vulnerability. They argue but seldom come to resolution. They engage in socializing but not in feelings. These are relationships that don’t soothe our souls.
When we live without the deep connectivity that love can give, we are love starved and all too often touch deprived. These are basic human needs that are at the core of a relationship. Not giving or receiving love and touch can make us feel very alone, especially when we actually have a spouse or a partner.
The aloneness is intensified when we have a partner because we aren’t partnering in love, because we are lying next to someone fearing to move any closer, because we are not sharing our feelings, because we are not living or expressing who we really are. Relationships lacking in love and touch leave us disappointed, angry, resentful, vindictive and needy. How do those feelings show up in our lives? What do we do with them?
If we are in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill us, what are we doing about it? Are we questioning it? Are we discussing it? Are we seeking some form of guidance? What is it doing to us? How do we function day to day if we feel deprived of love, touch and connection?
The unhappiness this brings can show up in bickering, arguing, judging, talking about our partner to others or even being mean. Living with someone without the solace of love and touch is hard to bear. We are not meant to live that way. It is painful to live in a relationship that has shut down the love that once existed.
How does this happen? How do we go from a happily involved couple to two people not giving or expressing love? A lack of love and touch in a relationship may be born out of anger, fear, resentment or it can be due to lack of consciousness. Relationships require attention. If we don’t respect the relationship itself we get into bad habits. We take the other for granted, we don’t make special time together, we take our stress out on our partners and so on. When negative feelings and bad habits take over, they slowly erode the love and non-connection becomes the status quo.
A non-relationship, one that only externally is a relationship, cannot be sustained. A relationship of non-existent or limited love, lacking in connection and authenticity, will die of starvation. A relationship needs sustenance. It needs to be fed. It needs respect, trust, communication, support, lovingness, presence, kindness, commitment, compassion and the courage to consciously stay the course.
The balm of all balms is love. It soothes, nurtures and calms us. It feeds us. It gives us hope. It frees us to be true to ourselves. It speaks to our souls. This isn’t just about romantic love. We can be over the moon in love or we can love another just because he or she “is”. Either way, a relationship requires that when we are not feeling loved or loving we need to speak up. We need to express, share and dialogue until we come to an understanding. And, all we need is for one of us to start this process.
What expression of love am I expecting? What expression of love am I giving? Are we matched? Is there an even exchange of energy? Are our expectations realistic? Can we achieve them together? Can we/do we want to make it work or do we need to end our relationship? If we need to end, can we do it peacefully?
Too many marriages are experiencing this lack of love and touch. Are we just too stressed out and tired at the end of the day to give to each other? Are we avoiding deep intimacy? Are we afraid of being so profoundly connected to another? Love requires that we be authentic and vulnerable. This is not easy to achieve especially if we have had childhoods that taught us not to trust. And, yet, trust we must if we are to heal, to come into our Self, to take charge of our life and to live our relationships in peace and love.
Life is short. And, with our last breath the only thing that will matter is how much love we have given and received. Let’s not lose the opportunity.