Most of us have had enough life experiences by now to know that relationship is one of the best ways to look at ourselves and to grow into ourselves and evolve. This is true of all relationships, not just the one with our partners. The intimate one, however, gives us the most opportunity because it is the most intimate and because it is usually 24/7.
The question for this article is, “How do we do intimacy?” Do we strive for openness, vulnerability, and connection or do we shy away from it? Do we know what we need, and can we ask for it? Do we know what we want? Can we truthfully share our feelings? Or do we choose to live in disconnection or dysfunction because we won’t share? Do we withdraw into some self-imposed isolation because we won’t engage our deepest desires?
The first step in doing intimacy is to be intimate with ourselves. We can’t possibly be intimate with another if we don’t know what’s going on inside of us. Without knowing what we are really feeling and without truly owning our feelings we will simply create a great story or a lot of noise and a lot of drama. We may not be able to get to our core feelings all the time but the resolve to do so and the sharing of whatever we can access is a great beginning. What matters is the intention to be vulnerable, to share and to connect. As with anything else in life, it is a process. It takes time and practice but with willingness it will happen.
The word intimacy pops up all the time in my articles because without it, relationships lack life force, excitement, and passion. Intimacy is not just sexual intimacy. Intimacy is the capacity to be authentically you with another. When we are intimate, we are sharing what is going on inside of us. When we are not intimate, we are sharing what is going on outside of us. When we are not intimate with our partner, we may feel disconnected, disgruntled, distracted or even dysfunctional. Without intimacy life may be superficial and boring or full of distractions and drama.
What does intimacy feel like? It sparks us. It awakens us. It keeps us interested. As I once heard, “The truth is erotic”. The word erotic has us immediately think of sexuality. Taken a step further, sexuality is the expression of our life force energy, of our “isness”, our soul, our essence. When we are sharing intimately, it feels erotic because we are sharing the truth of who we really are, of our soul. The truth of intimacy, “into me see”, engages, captivates and connects us. It has us be fully in the moment, present and attentive.
Intimacy is the sharing of feelings, not data and not stories. If intimacy is something you would like to practice, you can start by observing yourself and others. As you are listening to another, are you really into it or is your mind starting to wander or wonder where this is going? Are you thinking about what else you have to do? Are you even interested? Is this conversation how you want to be spending your time? Are you feeling connected or just listening to a story? These questions will help you tune in to whether it feels intimate or not and to discern what intimacy or lack of it feels like. Just notice without judging anything.
When you are the speaker, start to notice what is going on for you. Are your conversations habitual? In other words, are you in the habit of telling the latest story, gossip, complaint, or tidbits of what happened today? Are you talking just to talk, to vent, to “do” something, to ease anxiety, to fill up time, to avoid silence? In other words, are you conscious of what and why you are sharing or are you on autopilot in your conversations?
Are you coming from need or desire, from your head or your heart, from fear or from love? Are you speaking out of habit? Are you filling a void? Are you afraid of silence, discomfort or displeasing the other? Are you speaking with some agenda of manipulation or control? Are you trying to please the other in some way? Do you have a need to be seen or to be entertaining? This type of sharing is different from the desire of the heart to share. The heart shares intimately and innocently without pretense, guile or need. It shares what makes it rejoice as well as what makes it pain. It emphasizes the feelings rather than the story. It tells about itself rather than about another. The heart speaks of joy and pain not blame and judgment.
Intimacy doesn’t just happen. Intimate relationships are created through attraction, refined through commitment and thrive through the willingness to totally allow the other to come “into me and see”