Many couples come for counseling because they are in what I call “the loop”, the round and round arguments that go nowhere. It’s a difficult and painful replay that can keep us stuck and feeling alone. Sometimes the argument genuinely doesn’t have a solution because there is no logical solution; however, the heart can come up with a resolution if we allow it.
Arguing is part of being in a relationship. There are those times, however, when the argument becomes a recurring theme. When the judgments and accusations and misunderstandings go on for months and sometimes years.
Why does this happen? It’s been my experience, both personal and professional, that this type of arguing is based on our childhood conditioning. When I was first married, any unexpected delay in my husband’s returning home would trigger an anger in me that had no logic to it. We would argue, it would drag on and eventually fade until the next time. It’s what took me to therapy because the anger felt like an energy that was taking over me and that I had no control over it. Eventually, I understood that under my anger was fear in capital letters. A 15 or 30 minute delay in his arrival triggered my fear of being abandoned, left alone in the world and not being able to take care of myself. None of this was logical. It was totally irrational. Arguing about why he was late had nothing to do with what I was feeling and that is why the argument kept spinning on replay. The resolution was not to be found in the logic. I had to dig deep into my feelings to find the truth of what I was experiencing.
The arguments that keep repeating themselves are not about what we are arguing about. There is something deeper being played out and it is up to us to dig deep inside in order to find out what it is. When we are children we are beautifully open and innocent and how our parents or other adults treat us can create indelible hurt, shame, fear and mistrust. To keep ourselves from further hurt we create beliefs and protections. We grow up and have relationships with these beliefs and protections in place. It is like wearing a lens over our eyes that allows us only one perception.
This lens makes us ultra sensitive even to words and tone of voice. If we feel criticized or judged or blamed it doesn’t feel good and we need to speak up and share this with our partner. However, if we are wearing a childhood lens we may react or even overreact. We may be reacting to having been treated similarly as a child and feeling powerless at that time to do anything about it. Our reaction is unconsciously saying, “No way am I going to feel that way again. No way is anyone going to treat me like that again.” Until our reactivity becomes conscious the one we are really arguing with is not our partner but someone from our childhood, probably our mother or father. Of course, it’s our partner who is pushing our buttons, but they are our buttons! That’s what we have to remember. A reaction is ours. It really has nothing to do with the other person. We will always react and argue without resolution as long as that little kid is unseen.
Yes, our partner has triggered us and with our lens firmly in place we operate from an old wound that is still unconscious in us. We have no choice but to react. Without a lens, however, we have the ability to respond to our partner, share what is true for us in that moment and move on. As the Course in Miracles tells us, “A miracle is a shift in perception.”
Becoming aware of what is really going on underneath the argument is what creates resolution. Those old recurring arguments don’t need to keep replaying. It’s the old childhood wounds that keep the loop going. The wound originates in early conditioning. It could be a person(s), situation or the environment we grew up in.
To break the loop it would be very helpful to sit together and instead of talking about the issue itself, share what it makes you feel like. Do you feel powerless, overwhelmed, alone? If you feel angry, what feeling is under the anger? Is it sadness, shame or fear?
It takes getting out of our heads about who did what and going into our hearts to feel our feelings. That is where the truth lies.
Once the feelings are identified ask yourself when you’ve had that same feeling before and have compassion for yourself as the truth shows up. This acknowledgement breaks the loop. In that moment, you realize it’s all about you and not your partner.
This work takes willingness and courage. It is not always easy to look at ourselves. It is a very vulnerable experience but so worth it. Once the loop ends, more intimacy begins.