I have had a deep constant awareness most of my adult life that I have something “to do” before I die. Over the years, that “something” that I thought had to happen ranged anywhere from writing a book to living abroad. The thought of getting old and dying was scary enough and the possibility that I would reach that day not having done this “something” felt like I would have failed in this life. I also began thinking of how utterly painful it would be to reach old age and think about the opportunities missed, the possibilities overlooked, the truths denied, the loves neglected. I don’t want to take my last breath thinking about unconscious choices and where they led me. I don’t want to die thinking of how else I might have lived. I want to die at peace with the choices I have made and to leave this incarnation without remorse.
This is not something that is just going to happen. It is something that I have to keep in mind as I go along. I have to own my choices. I can’t waste time. Each choice has a consequence and even if it is a wrong choice I can make another choice to correct it. There is peace in knowing that.
As I matured and edged around the other side of 50, I began to realize that that “something” that I had to do was much less external and much less dramatic than anything I had conjured up. In fact, it was internal and subtle and quiet. I realized that the one thing I had to do before I left the planet was to access and live the truth of who I am. It may sound like I’m saying that I am false or fake. Hardly.
But, I know that we humans are layered and complex and each layer that comes off exposes more and more of the light and beauty and love that we really are. If not now, when?
We find ourselves when we discover the soul self inside and begin to live that part of us on the outside. That soul self is the pure part of us that was all Light and Love before we got conditioned, programmed, traumatized, shamed etc. This is no easy challenge. In order for us to survive what we were born into we created an ego to help us and we gave a lot of power to the ego. You know, the part of us that fears, compares, lacks, doubts, envies, judges, defends and needs to be right among many other traits. The ego’s work is to keep us protected and, unfortunately, that separates us from that real self we have inside.
One place where this battle between our ego and our real self gets perpetrated and perpetuated is in our relationships! This is where all our buttons get pushed triggering anger, fear, shame and protection bringing escalation instead of consideration. These moments all too often become our style, how we live, how we connect. Is this what we want our life to be? Is this what we want to look back on?
What would happen if, instead, we let relationship be the place where we allow our softness, our lovingness and our vulnerability to rule? A loving connection is a matter of choice, willingness and awareness. It’s simple. Do I or do I not want a peaceful loving connection? If the answer is yes, we have to do the work. What are we waiting for? Life is short! My answer was yes and it requires that I catch the egoic moments of negativity and consciously choose to transform them into kindness and love. Each conscious moment is a shaft of light through the fortress of the ego, allowing Light and Love to enter and enrich my life and my connections.
Connection is how we relate, how we interact and how we merge with others especially the person we love and live with. How do we treat each other? What do we value? What are our interests? What do we share? Do we respect and trust each other? Do we resonate physically, emotionally, spiritually and energetically?
An undeniable truth is that our connection with another is only as deep as our connection to our self. If I am hiding any part of my self I cannot have a complete connection. Being afraid of sharing my feelings, afraid of intimacy, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of losing control, afraid of letting go, afraid of being seen are obstacles to real connection. If we don’t acknowledge these fears to ourselves we will play them out by not being vulnerable, waiting for the other to “change”, acting like a victim, shutting down and we will be wasting time.
We have to find and nurture a deep and true connection with our innermost self. That will give us the confidence and strength to create it with another. It will give us the greatest gift of all…to live fully in the moment as the truest most realized version of ourselves as we still keep growing.
If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to give it some serious thought. Life is precious. Relationships are gifts. Connections are our riches.
How do you want to take that last breath? Don’t waste time. Decide now and make it happen.