With children, extended families, work, the daily grind and financial concerns, “us” often goes out the window. The worst part is that we often don’t even realize it. The daily routine has us so busy and distracted that a disconnection between us can happen very subtly and can easily become “normal”. Disconnection can also happen as a consequence of fighting, a betrayal, addictions or any other catalyzing event or chronic unacceptable behavior.
Some couples say they are so disconnected that they feel like two people just living in the same house. Some cohabitate with little interaction other than basic civilities, some don’t even talk to each other. Some are constantly arguing, abusing each other, and acting like two little children who never grew up. Some feel bored, frustrated and hopeless and more and more couples, even young ones, are reporting having limited or even no sex.
What’s happening? Why is this happening? Is there a common denominator? As mentioned above, overwhelming daily responsibilities are enough to daunt the most intrepid lover among us. However, can we really blame it all on that? Is it possible that the ground was already tilled for the seed of disconnection to take root?
A healthy relationship will derail from time to time. It is the nature of relationship as well as the response to an accumulation of stressors. Of concern is the relationship that derails and can’t find its way back. For people in those relationships, the question becomes, “What does it serve me to stay stuck in disconnection?” “Is there a certain comfort in it for me?”
These may seem like strange questions but it is more than possible that we unconsciously create chaos and overwhelm to keep us from getting too connected. The resulting disconnection is then blamed on everything else.
Fear of intimacy is often the soil that disconnection so easily grows in. Fear of intimacy is born out of a childhood in which we didn’t feel safe to express our feelings. Perhaps we were criticized, judged or shamed for them, so we learned early that sharing was dangerous.
Intimacy isn’t about stories or facts. Intimacy is showing the other “who” you are. That requires coming out from behind your defenses and communicating. It means allowing the other in. Showing your fears, your shame, your inhibitions, your disappointments, and the aches in your heart: that is intimacy. With it there is connection. Without it there is disconnection.
Fear of intimacy can very easily be masked. The man who is “in his head” and doesn’t show feelings can talk about his feelings with great logic, but may not be really feeling his feelings. He may be with a woman who is all feelings. In spite of that, she too may be masking her true deep feelings. Crying and expressing a lot doesn’t necessarily imply intimacy. There can be verbal expression without complete exposure of self and there can be a lot of emoting without really deep intimacy. For most of us, underneath whatever we think is going on, there are deeper feelings that need to be recognized and shared in order to create real and lasting connection.
For some people, it really may seem an almost impossible task to achieve this deep layer of self-knowledge and self-expression. Very sensitive children can become so numbed out and/or so dependent on their minds in order to survive that they leave their feelings behind at a very young age. As adults, they may not even be aware of how frightening real intimacy is to them.
For most, however, we know when we are not being completely truthful with our partner. When we are saying or not saying something to protect ourselves, when we are not showing the truth of what we are feeling, when we are aware that there is a veil up or a shield across our chest: those are the protections against intimacy. As children we openly expose our complete innocent selves. When we get shamed we learn that intimacy/self-exposure is painful. We bring that memory to our relationships and use the distractions of life to stay slightly or greatly disconnected in order to not feel that pain again. But in this protection, we actually create and live in another pain, that of disconnection.
If there is disconnection in your relationship and you want to heal it, start by acknowledging the disconnection. Then, gently and slowly allow the other to see the real you.
You can talk about how it feels to be disconnected, acknowledge your fears of sharing yourself and do it anyway. These are steps toward making your relationship a safe haven where you can let it all hang out and be loved and accepted for exactly who you are.