In order to communicate better it is helpful to be aware of our own particular style of listening/absorbing, processing and expressing/delivering our messages. People are very aware when there is a “communication problem” because the other “isn’t getting it”. There are several factors for this but top of the list is listening. Listening doesn’t just mean staying quiet. It means that while you are quiet you are really hearing not only the words but also the feelings of the other. It means that while you are listening, you are not preparing your own answer in your head. It means you don’t need to be right. To listen effectively you need to really want to hear what the other is feeling and be willing to drop your defenses to do that. Most communication problems will solve themselves if both partners surrender the need to be right and truly listen. This information can be applied to any relationship whether personal or professional.
There are also some other more technical aspects to how we communicate. How do you absorb information? Some are more “mental” and “understand” it. Others are more “emotional” and “feel” it. Neither is right or wrong. Both need a bit of the other. What is your processing speed? Some people “get it” right away. Others need time to “feel into” what’s going on. Again, no right or wrong. What is your presentation style? Some of us express in a “logical” language. Others use a more “emotional” language. Some of us speak faster, from our minds. Some of us speak slower, from our bodies. In all of these, it is just a difference in style. How do you express your feelings? Some use lots of words to talk “about” what’s going on instead of actually sharing the feelings. Others emotionally “act out” with tears and drama. Neither talking “about” feelings nor “acting out” feelings is an authentic, productive sharing.
The point is that we each have a particular way of communicating that affects how we express, how we listen and therefore how we relate. It is extremely frustrating when we feel we are not being heard or understood. We may feel alone in the relationship and may even wonder why we are in it. The good news is that there are ways to compensate for these differences and to bring our styles into balance. You and your partner can start by asking yourselves the questions above and identifying your own style. This helps immensely because you begin to realize it is not that the other doesn’t want to get you. It may simply be that you are speaking two different languages.
While there is no set category that you are going to fit into, you will note a preference to communicate in a given way. You may be more inclined to think before feeling, to process quickly and to express in a logical, maybe even hurried speech. Or, you may feel before you think and your processing and verbal expression may be slower as you search for the words to express what you are feeling. This is a very important discussion for couples, especially those who feel they have “communication” issues. It is possible that what seems an unwillingness to hear the other is actually a lack of awareness of communication differences and style and therefore, an inability to understand the other.
The differences outlined above are a good place to start to help you determine the nature and origin of your communication difficulties. You can answer the questions for yourself and then ask your partner and others how they experience you. Now have the other person(s) do the same. Notice the differences. Do you generally have better understandings and communications with those who process and express like you? Are there more misunderstandings with those who process and express differently from you?
If you and your partner feel like you are speaking two different languages due to style differences, what do you do about it? The one language that everyone can use is the language of feelings. Feelings express the truth of who we are and what is going on for us. When challenges arise, ask each other, “What are you feeling?” The mental/thinking type might need some time to come up with an answer and must avoid the temptation to get lost in words. The emotional/feeling type needs to pinpoint the exact feeling and to avoid the temptation to get lost in a fog of tears and drama. Once the feeling(s) is found, express it and ask your partner to repeat it back to you. Notice the difference. If you’re feeling misunderstood, don’t despair. Play with it. Knowing your partner’s style will help you reframe it in a way that is more easily understood. Likewise, your partner, aware of your unique style, must also make the attempt to hear it the way you intend it. Maybe you have to use words that are more feeling or more logical. Maybe you have to slow down or speed up. There is no right or wrong. It’s all about learning and appreciating our differences and building a multi-hued relationship by harmonizing those differences.