In our couples’ counseling, we see couples at all stages of their relationships. We have been with young couples who wanted to clear up differences before the wedding day, with couples who could feel themselves drifting apart and wanted to look at it before it caused problems, and with couples in varying states of discord or downright alienation. Our role is to explore the truth that lies between their two different perceptions. Sitting with them, yet outside them, we can ask questions objectively and provide a space that has them hear their own truths.
Even though some couples are at divorce’s door, for the most part, couples want their relationship to work. While they may want it to work for obvious reasons such as children and finances, the bottom line is that it is heart wrenching and painful to separate from someone with whom you have made your life, your children and your home.
In relationship issues, as with physical problems, if the focus is on the symptoms, true healing may never occur. The focus must be on the root cause and in almost every case it will lie in the early programming, conditioning, habits and beliefs formed in our childhood.
What most of us don’t realize is that it is not the two responsible, logical adults who are at odds in the relationship. It is the fearful, hurting child inside each partner who is battling it out with the other partner’s wounded child.
Chronic unresolved issues in a relationship imply that a childhood protection, belief or conditioning is being unconsciously played out. It takes courage to look at that child but once seen, the resolution and healing can unfold. I feel this is a vital part of healing any relationship. Yes, we can and should make behavioral efforts and changes to how we act with the other but if these are imposed on a foundation of childhood pain and protection, the new behaviors will not last. We can’t treat the symptom. We must treat the cause.
The cause starts in our childhood. All of us are children of people who did whatever they did because that is who they were. Maybe they were loving but not really present, maybe they were neglectful and abusive. Yes, we the children carry those scars but they are ours to heal. Our parents gave us life and behaved the only way they knew how to behave in raising us. It is up to us to take charge of our lives, to be responsible for how we show up in our life, and to finally let go of what isn’t ours (the fear, abuse, depression etc. of the parent(s)). Only in freeing ourselves from these childhood bindings can we claim our true selves and start to live our own life.
Relationship gives us this opportunity. It is a 24/7 opportunity for deep intimacy. Intimacy can even occur when we are the most triggered, the most frustrated, the most hurt and the most vulnerable. In those moments, we have the opportunity to explore ourselves by asking, “Where and when have I felt this before?” “What is this mirroring in me?” “How old does this part of me feel?” “Am I responding or reacting?” “What can I take responsibility for?” Seeking the answers creates intimacy with yourself and sharing the answers creates intimacy with the other. This intimacy transforms the situation and can leave you feeling understood, truly seen, absolutely heard and unselfishly loved.
It is extremely important to acknowledge the role that our childhood has in our relationships. As stated, we bring our childhood conditioning to our relationships, but we also bring the model of relationship we learned from our parents. Whatever that relationship was, it is what we witnessed and incorporated. Some of us model it and others attempt to do the opposite. Either way, it is influencing us and our behavior until we are free of its imprint.
Our childhood affects our choices and behaviors especially in relationship until we realize it and heal all those old wounds. Sometimes one partner is more obvious in what s/he is bringing that doesn’t work but it is always both bringing something. Sometimes, the less blatant one is bringing denial, passivity, fear of confrontation or other less obvious behaviors. Either way, it takes each partner working at it in order to heal the relationship.
The outcome of this soul searching is up to the couple. What is important is the commitment to the process. The willingness to use the relationship to heal old wounds, to step into wholeness and truth and to take charge of your life and your relationship is what will ensure that the patterns will not be repeated in this or any other relationship.