Most of us feel a need and a desire to complete tasks, do a good job and be a responsible partner, parent, friend, employee and even child to aging parents. Coupled with societal demands to strive, achieve and succeed, we can easily become overwhelmed. Unfortunately, having so much to do and not enough time or energy to do it generates pervasive underlying feelings of agitation, anger, resentment and the inability to relax.
Besides what “has to be done” many are struggling with relationship issues, children’s physical and/or emotional issues, unemployment, financial concerns, health problems or even extended family issues. Besides our overwhelming personal issues, we are also bombarded from the outside whether it is negative news, manipulative advertising, traffic, information, technology or too many choices. Do we really need 68 brands of cereal and 129 channels to pick from?
How is being overwhelmed affecting our life and relationships? Feeling overwhelmed affects each of us differently. Some of us may get wound up feeling more and more need to control our circumstances. Some may have anxiety and even panic attacks while others may just numb out because it is all too much for the nervous system to bear. And then there are some of us who unconsciously create chaos as a big distraction from feeling what’s inside, using it to avoid feelings of emptiness, of being afraid to be alone, of feeling unsafe in the world and other fears, pains, and wounds.
It is very easy to get caught up in the “gotta have” and “gotta do” fever especially if there are children. It is not easy to hold onto values, traditions, and even rules if you are going against “what everybody is doing”. We may have gotten used to living this way, but the price could be illness, ever increasing stress, problems with children and disconnection in our relationships. What are we teaching our children? How are we connecting to our partner? Do we have a cohesive sense of family?
Feeling connected to our partner is extremely important. It makes us feel that we are not alone with life’s problems. We have a teammate, a support, a shoulder to cry on and a partner equally invested in building a foundation and future for our family. There is hope and strength in that. We have none of that if we are disconnected. Without love, support and connection we are not thriving, we are surviving.
Are we contributing to feeling overwhelmed? Are we so used to it that we don’t see what we may be doing to exacerbate it? Have we forgotten that we have choice? We can approach overwhelm with equanimity and balance or we can create more stress. We can use it to learn acceptance and compassion or as another opportunity to gossip and complain. We can practice not taking things personally or we can get vindictive and negative. We can focus on staying centered or we can create drama. We can use addictions such as drinking, eating, shopping, smoking to “calm down” or we can look for balance within. We are not powerless.
How can we create balance instead of overwhelm? Consider all the questions above and go inside for the answers. If there are fears, you may be so used to them or so afraid of them that you don’t even know they are there. Or, maybe you didn’t even realize you could change things or perhaps you feel powerless to make changes. Be conscious in every moment. Ask, “What am I feeling?” and don’t settle for “nothing” as an answer. Make all your choices conscious ones. If you find yourself contributing to overwhelm, own it. Say to yourself, “I am/am not ready for a different choice right now.” It’s ok if you are not ready yet. Simply owning your choice is already a way of taking your power. Whether alone or in a relationship, here are some further tools to help you regain balance:
1) Decide if you want to buy into all the “shoulds” that our society and culture impose on you and your family.
2) Learn to prioritize and spin off all that you don’t really need or need to do.
3) Discern what is truly in the best interests of your highest good and that of your loved ones.
4) Listen to your body. Your bodily sensations and your emotional feelings are where you find the truth of what you really want. When you begin listening to your body and your feelings, life slows down.
5) If necessary, seek professional guidance to help you clarify what you need, what you want, and how to go about it.
All of this requires a lot of will power and courage. It means you might have to go against “what everybody else is doing” or maybe not listen to others. Only you know what is right for you and your relationship but all too often we succumb to the opinions of others, give our power away and end up confused, disconnected and overwhelmed. The only one who can tell you how to live is you! Start listening to what you need, what you deeply know and desire, share it with your partner and have the courage to make it happen.